Grandma Got Bit by a Blood-Sucking Vampire
by Siontix
Summary: Jokes about: Christianity, Atheism, Communism, National Socialism, and other political parties should not be taken seriously. Story contains: Swearing, gore, sexuality, religious/political ideologies.


It was a cold night… along a small community lived a happy family. The Spanekheimers. Or as many angry atheists would call them… The Ass Spankers.

"Jake, will you be so kind to help me decorate the Christmas tree?" asked Granny.

Jake gasped and slapped his cheek, "Oh my Gosh! Yes! I would love to decorate the tree!"

Grandma smiled at him and nodded, momentarily pulling out a box of ornaments, "Say, where is the tree anyways?"

Suddenly Jake's mother and father walked in with an inflatable tree. The father's name was _Jake's Dad_. He married a woman named _Jake's Mom_-a very strange occurrence, but true none-the-less. Jake widened his eyes at the sight of the inflatable tree.

"Wh- what's that..?" he asked nervously.

Jake's Dad threw the inflatable tree on the floor and laughed, "Our Christmas tree! It's inflatable, think how many forests we'll save with this."

Grandma sighed and shook negatively, "You fuckin' whippersnapper, wheres the fun in that? What about the joy of cutting down trees? Getting pierced by sharp needles? And Roofis climbing the tree and knocking all the ornaments down?" She crossed her arms and growled, "Stupid dog…"

Jake nodded in agreement, "I agree! This is stupid! It's not a real tree!"

That was when one of the most teenage girl you ever met walked in, she had a furious look on her face and an angry quirk on her face. She was staring at Jake hostilely.

"You idiot, like, no one even buys a tree anymore. Like, it's not co-ol!"

Jake gritted his teeth and walked up to her with his fists clenched, "I'm gonna' knock your jingle bells out sis'…"

Jake's Dad grabbed Jake's hand, preventing him from moving, "Not this year Jake, please, cease from doing that…"

Jake sighed and nodded, momentarily dropping his arms. He began walking away towards the stairs, intending to head up to his room. "Next time she won't get so lucky…"

Granny continued to watch him as he angrily marched up stairs. Jake was Granny's grandson, and to some extent, apprentice. She was training Jake to be the ultimate Christian, teaching him how to go door-to-door trying to convert people, force people into donating at soup kitchens, and one day traveling to Africa to spread the word of God.

Granny widened her eyes, and cleared her throat at the sight of Grandpa. He had a very insane looking smile on his face as he approached the tree. "This tree, say, I wish we had trees like this back in ma' day…"

"Oh, Grandpa, spare us the story, you speak about this every year…"

Grandpa flung his hand in the air and began to laugh, "1939! Nazi Germany! I was on a secret mission to Poland with the intentions of stopping a secret vampire army!" Jake's Mom rolled her eyes and began to chuckle, "I was sent into enemy lines, where I fought against about sixty of them Nazee's…"

Little did they know, Cousin Mel was watching Grandpa speak about his story from a distance. Cousin Mel was a far-right extremist-one could say, a National Socialist. She had massive breasts, massive cleavage, and a tight looking ass. She was the enemy of Christianity, and all other religions-even Atheism, she hated everybody.

Later in the night, Jake gasped loudly as he had his legs up in the air. He began to turn red and grunted constantly as he trembled, he then exhaled and pulled his pajamas back up.

"Wow, I really let out a load this time!" he puckered his lips and shrugged, "Next time I'll picture Cousin Mel getting tentacle raped…"

The sound of jingle bells could momentarily be heard in the air, Jake knew that something was wrong-very wrong. He rubbed his crotch and stood back up, avoiding the _mess_ he had now created. He walked past his dog and cleared his throat, momentarily grasping his window. He widened his eyes and gasped as he saw the silhoullette of reindeer flying above the moon.

"Oh my God! It's Joseph Stalin!"

He then looked down and saw Granny walking outside in her jacket, she was carrying what appeared to be a dirty bomb. Granny was a renowned terrorist in these parts, but she was commonly forgiven for her acts of terror because of her Communist ideology-which the current U.S. President was in full support of.

Jake saluted Granny from the window, then gritted his teeth-the bells got louder. He gasped and looked back up in the sky, that was when it happened…

The reindeer came towards Granny at full speed, there was no time left to pull away-Granny was about to get seriously fucked.

"Grandma! Look out!"

He then cringed as the slay ran straight into her, blood went everywhere. The snow was instantly ravaged with a thick layer of oozing blood and organs-Granny lay grunting in the snow with the slay inside of her body.

Granny's eyes were quivering, she looked down at her chest and found that her entire stomach was destroyed by the power of the slay-just nearly slicing off her breasts too. She swallowed-grasping desperately for life. That was when she could hear a deep toned chuckle.

"Wh- wh-" she groaned, breathing heavily.

She was suddenly confronted with two black leather boots. A golden buckle on each boot. With what life she still had, she looked up. A red face fatass in a red suit and stocking was looking down at her.

"Ho ho ho…" he said in an evilly erotic tone.

Grandma raised her hand towards him, "S- Santa. I'm dying…"

Santa smirked at her and nodded, "I know, I had to run you over…"

Grandma widened her eyes, "W- what..?"

Santa then grabbed his belt and began to chuckle maniacally, "I had to do it, so I could do this…"

Santa then dropped his pants down, Granny gasped and closed her eyes-realizing what was going on. "Before I kill you, I'm gonna' rape you. Who- who- whore!"

Granny knew she couldn't do anything, she was defensless. She was laying in a puddle of her own blood and would never be able to stand up, whether she liked it or not. She was about to be raped by Santa.

Santa grabbed her chin and looked her in the eyes, "Those are some pretty eyes you've got there Granny!" He smirked and shrugged, "That old Mrs. Claus is a real pain in the ass, I could really go for some new game…" he said as he prepared to force a kiss onto her.

"Let go of her…" a demonic voice demanded.

Santa grunted and immediately stood back up, his saggy and hairy jingle bells whipping across his belly. He grunted and gritted his teeth at the man standing before him. A man in a red suit, boots, orange glasses, and a large red stetson stood still with two massive handcannons aimed at him.

"Ho, ho, ho! If it isn't Alucard!"

Alucard smirked at him, "We meet again, Santa Claus…"

Santa pulled out two candy canes and shook negatively, "You really think you can kill me? I'm much more powerful now. You see…" Santa barred his teeth, revealing sharp vampiric teeth, "I too, am a vampire."

Alucard got a serious look, "Oh? Where did you obtain that?"

Santa chuckled and kicked some snow around, "Oh, I belong to a Christmas organization…"

Alucard raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't ask any further questions. Santa quickly grinned and nodded at him, "Better make your shot count vampire king…"

Alucard rubbed his chin and smirked momentarily, he then redirected the Jackal towards Santa's sack of toys. Santa gasped and began to shake negatively, "No! You fool!"

"Don't make me do it Santa…"

Santa continued to grunt nervously, "Okay, okay, ju- just- I'll give you the old woman, how about that?"

"Yeah right…"

Jake ran down stairs while panting, "Everyone! Grandma just got hit by Santa!"

Everyone looked at him and shook negatively, Jake's sister rolled her eyes, "Your head got hit, when you were a baby, that's why you're so retarded Jake."

Jake's Mom nodded affirmatively, "She's right, Jake."

"I saw it! It really happened!"

Suddenly the sound of an explosion could be heard, the entire outside glowed orange. Jake gasped, "Did you hear that!?"

"Ya' drank too much eggnog, Jake, nothing's out there…" said Jake's Dad.

Santa was on fire, he had put away his weapons and jumped into the slay, taking off while he still could. Alucard shot Santa's sack of toys-therefore the slay exploded. (Because Hellsing, that's why…)

Alucard smirked as the slay took off, knowing that he would get his battle one day. He looked back down at the destroyed Granny and gritted his teeth. She was just nearly dead, only a spark of life still in her. Alucard walked over to Granny and removed his glasses, kneeling over her lifeless body.

"Grandma, you're bleeding…"

Grandma's entrails then slipped out of her stomach onto the ground.

"I'm sorry to say Grandma, but you're going to die…" Granny's eyes began to water, realizing that she would never finish reading the Communist Manifesto-nor would she get to celebrate Christmas again with Jake. Alucard pointed down at her and smirked, "Unless…"

Granny couldn't talk, she merely looked him in the eyes. "I turn you into one of us, you and me will continue to hunt for Santa-alongside Integra Hellsing…"

Granny's eyes began to fade away, but was trying very hard to listen to his proposal.

"What I am asking of you, Grandma, is will you allow me to bite you? Turn you into a vampire?"

Granny didn't want to die, she had so much to live for. She found a surge of power in her body, realizing that she too wanted revenge on Santa. She slightly nodded her head as she began to slip away. Alucard put his hands together and smirked.

"Excellent…"

And with little more to say, Alucard sank his teeth into Granny. Officially turning her into a vampire. In return for immortality, Granny would have to accompany Alucard and help stop Santa, and learn of this secret organization.

Grandma may have gotten run over by a reindeer, but she knew what had to be done…

To be Continued!


End file.
